One Year Later

I last posted in this blog one year ago today. It has been such an exciting year!

May: start adoption classes
June: worked on paperwork
July: finished homestudy
August: turned in profiles
October: brought home our son!!!

This month we'll celebrate him turning 6 months. He's already eating solids, sleeping through the night, has his first tooth, and is practically crawling. He is healthy, and we are so blessed!

My husband and I are TTC again, and we're going to the fertility doctor later this month to get updated testing. I feel emotionally ready to try for a pregnancy again, although I still feel like my chances are about 5%. It's been almost 3 years of TTC! I'm getting my period more often now, but I still doubt that my ovaries are actually releasing an egg. Hopefully the doctor can find out more.

I'm also thinking about going back to work, in the effort to save up to adopt another baby. We had such a positive experience bringing our son home! It's easier to see myself going through that again than getting pregnant, although either way would be great.

Our adoption blog

The closer my husband and I get to adoption, the more I feel like moving on to another blog. I've started one, Our TX adoption, and you can find it at http://ourtxadoption.blogspot.com/. I've just started it and I'm going to wait until we choose our agency for sure before I really focus on it. My husband and I still have many more discussions to go, and agencies to meet, before we'll know for sure. Our shortlist of agencies has changed weekly during the last month but, each time, we know more and more about ourselves, each other, and the world God has made. I feel myself getting more excited and discovering a call that really can happen. Adoption used to feel so impossible and now I'm starting to hope again that we can be parents.

As for moving on, I had another strong sign that I'm growing in acceptance. Just the other day, when I was talking to someone about adoption and about our loss, they said the once dreaded phrase, "maybe it was all for the best". That phrase used to have me seething inside. How dare they say that! But, this time, I agreed. Of course, it helped that she knew of adoption personally and, therefore, she knew what she was saying and I had no indication that she was just saying it lightly or to be nice. That comment, which can be thoughtless from some, was carefully chosen by her. But, still, months ago it wouldn't have mattered how it was said. Now, though, I'm coming around. Not to say I'm not still grieving, but that my head and my heart are growing around the loss, with the loss, to something more than before it happened. My world is growing.

Also, I've changed my display name. The old one, VMPJ, stood for the two names we had chosen: Vivian Marie and Patrick James. Now, though, that we're adopting, choosing names won't be quite the same. We may still use one of those names or we may not but we're not so committed to them as before. My new name reflects our current focus. And, hopefully, someday I can go from Mom2B to just Mom:-)

the more things chage the more they stay the same

The cruise ended up being really nice. My husband and I needed some time away and we actually went a whole week without email. It's humbling that the world is the same when we come back as it was when we left it:-) The cruise was relaxing, well, recreational is probably a better word as we busied ourselves with lots of activities. However, we had fun and came back ready to get back into work and our lives.

Other than the cruise, however, life has presented us with plenty of challenges. For one thing, my husband had a great job opportunity that would have taken us far away from our city. It would have been a lot of money but an extreme upheaval and considerable financial risk at the same time. That stress got us thinking, though, about the big picture of his career goals. While we're going to stay in our current state we may move to a different city that has more of the kinds of jobs he wants. So, while we're still in our current house, city, and jobs, we have a better idea where we want to go in the future. It's good now, but the process of getting here (back to where we were before) was so challenging. We had to learn how to decide our priorities. I had to ask myself what a good wife would do, how to be supportive while still speaking my mind and sharing wisdom that God has giving me without letting my fears lead the way. Ultimately, I left it up to my husband because I didn't want him to have reason to resent me later if I told him what to do or pressured him. At the same time I made my expectations as clear as possible when I understood them and tried to figure out what I wanted and express it. It seemed to go well and we're now at peace with the final decision.

In the process of discerning where to go geographically and career-wise for my husband, I felt called strongly to put down career roots of my own. I enjoy my job now and I want to develop my skills. The best way I felt to do that was to go to business school. That desire surprised me since I never thought that I would want to go back to school. I didn't enjoy college much the first time and the idea of business school was so intimidating. When I got my degree I went the path of least resistance, getting a degree I thought I could handle instead of going for one I wanted. My self-esteem was so low, and I just wanted to get out of school and work. In the years since graduation, however, I have learned through the jobs I've had that my degree isn't very useful to me. I have no desire to try for a job in that field. I've ruled out other jobs, too, that I thought I really wanted (like novelist or teacher) but didn't end up fitting with. Now, though, I want to try that challenge. While this could be just another whim it could really suit me.

When I got down to the details, though, I got stuck. I've been researching various degree plans, universities and community colleges, and job descriptions, but none feel quite right. Even trying to decide what to do in the next year with my current job just gets me confused. While making plans for my husband's career, I tried to do the same for myself, and it just wasn't working. I tried making decisions without including motherhood and it just didn't click. Then, however, I took one evening to think about adoption and it was totally clear. I realized I was focusing on the wrong thing, and I have decided to really make adoption my focus now.

Before, all I wanted was to be a stay-at-home-mom. Now, though, I know that I want to have a fulfilling career someday outside the home. I don't want to join the debate about the merits of being at home vs. the merits of working outside the home. I know that I want to take each year as it comes, be a useful employee and, someday, a mentor to women at work as well as a mom to my kids. I don't want to do it all but I don't want to limit myself from the workplace unless there is a good reason to for the kids' sake. I want the challenges of motherhood and the challenges of being in the workplace. Every year will have it's own unique focus and God has His plan for me. I want to go back to school someday and get the degree I want instead of just finishing for the sake of getting out or being afraid to take significant risks.

As for adoption, I know that I would love, love, love to adopt from Ethiopia but that we can't afford it. I do know that we have several wonderful domestic agencies around here and we have a growing short-list of agencies to research further when we've saved up more. I know that, based on our current income and budget, we can begin the paperwork for domestic minority infant adoption later this year or, more likely, January and it be a comfortable financial risk. I also know that adopting an available child from the foster-care system is on my heart, too. While I don't know exactly what kind of adoption we'll do, I feel strongly called to it more then before. I no longer worry about pregnancy interrupting the process or how our friends and family will react. My daydreams are no longer about pregnancy but I feel called to care for a child and build a stable home for us all. Our loved ones are supportive and even the ones who seemed the most hesitant are on-board. Well-meaning people no longer suggest fertility treatments or suggest that I just relax. While I am trying a new diet (gluten-free) to see if it helps, and while I haven't completely ruled out seeing an endocrinologist later, I don't think about infertility much anymore. I get a little hopeful when I have a healthy cycle, and I get annoyed when a cycle drags on forever, but my attitude is healthier and less extreme.

At the same time that all of these exciting ideas and conversations are going on, I feel lost and left behind. We have so much to look forward to later but, for now, we're right where we were a year ago. The grief of the loss is now stronger then it was before. Right after the hospital visit I felt like I was doing great if I was carrying on. I read about women who couldn't get out of bed or husbands who left their wives and thought we had it good. I focused on being positive and moving forward. Now, though, I feel lonely and like, no matter what we do, things are moving forward too slowly if at all. I look around me and realize that I have far fewer friends then before. I no longer get a sharp pang of jealousy but I'm realizing that it may be a long time before the dull ache doesn't come after learning about another pregnancy amongst my friends or family. My husband, too, knows that ache and he's become my very best friend. While, right after the loss, I felt like I grieved alone, now we're in it together. I feel like he's the only one who understands me. Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about building up my friendships with others. I keep seeking someone with whom I can be myself and share that loss with. Of course, I don't want my current friends to know that loss, though, and I don't know how to meet other women who would understand, nor do I want to talk about it all the time. So I go on, more and more alone, praying for the day when I get out of this fog. I know that, someday, this will pass but I get frustrated at how long it will likely take. I want to support other Christian couples in raising a family but I can't get excited when it actually happens.

another loss, yet hope for a great year

We had to put our second dog to sleep last weekend. It was really sad. We had only had that dog for a month but we'd bonded to it and it was such a sweet animal.

I had heard that a second loss, even a smaller loss, so soon after a big one can trigger depression. Sure enough, last week was rough. The sadness over the dog brought me right back to the sadness of the ectopic and it was like a domino effect--the sadness grew to the intensity of the bigger loss very quickly. The good thing, though, is that I also had developed some coping skills. My main coping strategy seemed to be avoidance but it kept me sane. I had a hard week at work but it kept my mind occupied, and, every night, I either read chick lit or watched a movie, anything to keep my mind occupied. Yesterday my husband and I had a nice, relaxing day and we've both been napping a lot in the evenings. We didn't have a lot on our plates in the evenings so the relaxation helped a lot. I now feel more ready to get back to work around here and start moving on.

We've been thinking about whether or not to get a second dog and we haven't come to a decision. I actually think it might be just fine to just have our one dog. I thought he'd be lonely by himself all day but I think, based on how he is during the weekends, that he just naps all day. If he becomes destructive or depressed then we can reevaluate, but I think he is happiest being an only dog. He gets tons of attention when we're home and he's calmed down. He doesn't try to get us to play fetch every second we're home and he has started to love napping with me on the couch. He never used to do that--he was too fidgety before. Plus, having one dog is expensive and having two would be even more, obviously, not to mention that the second dog made our first one sick and, therefore, more medicine to buy. So we're going to leave well enough alone for an indeterminate time. If we want one later at least we have the supplies and we know where to go.

Oh, and my husband and I have updated our adoption plan. We now want to do a domestic minority adoption. We will start the process sometime either this winter or early next year. I feel deep peace about this and domestic adoption was actually my husband's first choice and he is happy about it. We have friends who went this option and they had a good experience with it. I think this really may be it (but I said that about foster-to-adopt and about international adoption so who really knows but God?).

For now, though, we're cautiously trying again. I've had two cycles in a row in which I ovulated at around cycle day 22-23. That is really encouraging. We were avoiding that last cycle and trying this time. I took a test today and it was negative. Yep, still infertile, LOL. This time was interesting because I really hadn't wanted to get pregnant--until around 9 days after ovulation. Then, all of a sudden, I was so curious and really wanted pregnancy in an instinctive way. All of my really good reasons for avoiding disappeared. I didn't care about work or the cruise or how my body would feel. All I could think about was how exciting it would be. I feared how disappointed I would be when the test was negative.

When the test was negative, though, I really wasn't that disappointed. Every other time in the past I was flooded with denial, that the test was too early, or so depressed about the infertility. I would feel so hopeless and like a failure. This time, though, I was sure the test was right--after all, I've seen a positive test and therefore know these tests work for me. If it can detect an ectopic on day 14 of the luteal phase then it works and no second-guessing it.

Mostly, though, I was relieved--no morning sickness for at least another month, and I could finally allow myself to get excited about our cruise that is now less then a month away. I could make money for another month. I'm not depressed about the infertility because I've made peace with it. A negative test on a promising cycle just isn't a surprise anymore. It used to challenge my femininity but not anymore. I have found other ways to feel good about myself that don't depend on my fertility. I am "fertile" when I create a scrapbook or show love to people or do a good job at work. I feel feminine when I do my hair nicely or wear make-up at work.

Plus, funnily enough, most of my idle daydreams this past week were about adoption, not pregnancy or our biological child. The baby in my thoughts is black, not white. I can picture the little black curls and the rich dark eyes and skin. I love the idea of pregnancy but I know how complex the reality is and I just want a baby in God's time and God's way.

Based on all this, I think 2008 will be interesting and full of possibility. We are blessed, unless we have a financial catastrophe, with the option of adoption and even a short-list of agencies we will explore later this year. We aren't in a hurry to bring home a baby but we know that is what we want despite all the risk. Our jobs are currently going well and we're doing OK financially. We're coping with our losses--they bring us to our knees but they don't destroy us. We want a pregnancy, with all of our hearts, but not more then we want a healthy child however God wants to bring that child into our lives and our home. I'm learning how to deal with the uncertainty when I think I'm about to ovulate, and I try to enjoy the hopefulness that floods me during the end of the luteal phase. Most difficult of all, I'm finding things to keep me going when my period comes yet again. I've made peace with my identity as an infertile woman while accepting and anticipating that a healthy pregnancy will affect my sense of self as it affects every couple's identity.

3 months post-loss

It's been six weeks since my last post, and I'm glad I took a long break. Sometimes the best thing to do in a transition is nothing and that was the case with me. I needed to know what I would feel if I let this blog go. I really didn't miss it until now, and not even that much now. I did want to update a bit, though.

Since the last post, I have started a new job in an office building. There are no pregnancies, no likely pregnancies, and no babies to speak of anywhere. Now, the only time I see strollers are when we go out, particularly to church, and with our friends. It really has been good for me to get away from that. I just don't have much exposure to that world anymore and it's helped me be more peaceful.

As for being with my friends and their children, it's getting much easier. It's still a little awkward since I just don't have much in common with them, but it's not nearly as difficult for me. I'm less jealous, especially as their kids get more and more into toddler-hood. While they're still cute, and while my friends are excellent parents, I guess maybe some of the novelty has worn off, or maybe it just looks a lot more challenging. I think time really does heal most wounds.

My husband and I researched adoption and decided to put it off indefinitely. International adoption seemed like the best option, and it's very cool. I love the idea of us jetting off to Ethiopia and bringing home an adorable little child. The reality, though, isn't very likely with our constraints. It's just so expensive. Mainly, though, if I got pregnant then we'd lose so much money. I hate the idea of saving for over a year just to lose it with what should be good news under other circumstances. So, unless we're still childless a couple years from now, we probably won't do international adoption even though we probably won't ever rule it out completely. If money was no issue we would likely start it before this year is up.

The other option we've really thought about is adopting from the foster-care system. That has some major pros and cons as well. If we do that it, too, won't be for several years.

So that leaves us just not having kids for awhile. We're going on a cruise in February and I really, really don't want to risk dealing with morning sickness and canceling the exciting excursions we've paid for (all of which are forbidden for pregnant women). So we're going to try to avoid until then and, after that, just see what happens. We're charting now to avoid and I don't mind it so much anymore. I'm thinking about maybe keeping up with the temp chart even after we're avoiding just to see if my cycles normalize.

My charts are actually doing OK and they'll likely keep improving. I had a really short cycle right after the loss and then a good cycle with an ovulation. I might be ovulating soon or this may be an anno cycle. It would be really cool if I got more regular. I'm eating better--spinach 5 days a week and less meat. That is good for fertility, especially the plant-based source of iron. Working in an office is good for my diet as long as I resist the urge to go out to eat. I can't afford to do that, anyway. Not only am I able to follow a diet that is good for insulin resistance but I'm losing some weight, yay! That, along with my new work wardrobe, helps a lot with my self-esteem. That, and a job I like. I'm very well-suited to my job, even more so then with my last job. I actually really hope that this job lasts a long time, like more then a year. I actually hope I don't get pregnant until at least after the summer if at all this year. I'd even consider trying to avoid longer but I can't find a good enough reason once the cruise is over. At least I'm going to learn, as long as this job lasts, whether or not to pursue something like it once the kids are grown and it's time to focus on a career. It feels good to know that, as long as I'm not pregnant, that is one more month that I can keep working and adding to our savings/home improvement. That will hopefully take the sting out of my period once we stop avoiding pregnancy.

Oh, and we got a second dog. It's exhausting sometimes but it really has taken the focus off of pregnancy and our grief. We have to give the new dog plenty of attention since he's not housebroken yet. We got him at a shelter and it was a great decision. He was sick and he got our first dog sick but they're improving fast now that we have them on the right medicine. We have fleas to contend with, too, but the cold weather helps!

As if a new dog and a new job weren't enough, we're getting set to get into some home improvement projects very soon. We're finally ready to start painting as soon as we can coordinate the right weekend to get started. I'm also ready to go shopping for some things to help decorate as well.

Mostly, though, through all of this, I'm starting to really feel like where we are is OK. It may not be great but it's not so bad, either. I feel both more hopeful that a pregnancy will happen and much less anxious for it to happen. I want to continue my job for a long time but, when ovulation is approaching, I start to think that a pregnancy wouldn't be so bad, either. I'm still kinda scared about pregnancy but less then I was right after the loss.

all journeys come to an end

This isn't to say that I'll never write in this blog ever again, of course. But I do feel like it's come to a natural conclusion.

I called this a journey of acceptance long ago, before this was a blog (back when it was an on-line journal). It just seemed like a good name and now I feel like it was a bit karmic. It wasn't "journey to a baby" just to acceptance. I could also have called it a journey to peace as well.

I went for my final post-op check-up yesterday and what the doctor told me confirms our decision to stop trying. He said that I have a whopping 20% chance of having another ectopic. Wow. I didn't realize it was that high. Most women have a 1-3% chance, and, with clomid, 7-10%. Such a high risk is scary. It really sunk into my husband and I that aiming for a pregnancy isn't the safest option. Ectopics can be caused by off-balance hormones and my hormones are always off-balance, with or without clomid. There could be yet another reason for it as well that we just don't know about.

Then we considered trying yet again to get my hormones straight with yet another doctor. The thing is, though, that I have no heart for that. My PCOS symptoms are pretty mild compared to many women. I have a healthy BMI and the only annoying part is acne but even that is usually not too bad. My insulin tests, in the past, have been passable. I don't need the extra help to lead a healthy life, at least not in the foreseeable future. I don't want to spend anymore time in the doctor's office unless I'm getting a check-up or I'm clearly sick (or pregnant, of course).

In the course of deciding to stop trying, I realized I've come to accept my infertility. It doesn't hurt me the same way anymore. I'm coming to peace with it. I'm not trying to keep up with my friends anymore, nor do I feel particularly lonely. Avoiding the message boards has given me a lot more time back for other things and helps me keep my focus off of babies.

As for adoption, we'll begin that when we're ready which likely won't be for awhile. We need to save up quite a bit of money first and that takes time. I'm going to start looking for full-time jobs to help pay for it. I liked working part-time but now I'd rather save up money for adoption. Having a full-time job will keep me even more busy! I'm also going to look for a job in an office instead of around kids. No more watching the stroller parade for me. It's like a diabetic working in a bakery.

So, anyway, I'll probably still write every once in awhile, especially when I miss Joseph and as his anniversaries come up. For now, though, I'm going to focus on finding a job and living our lives as it is. Eventually we're bound to either find out we're pregnant or start the adoption process and I'll probably start a new blog for that when the time comes. I want to lay this journey to rest while still reflecting on the lessons I've learned from it. Thanks for all the support! Several people, both loved ones and kind strangers, have posted kind comments. They have meant a lot to me.

not anno after all, just different then usual

It turns out that I did ovulate after all, but the cycle was very weird for me. The earliest I've ever ovulated was CD 20 but, this time, I ovulated CD 8 or CD 10. Whoa! I saw the temp dip, so I knew it was a possibility, but my temp rose so slowly, and never got very high, so I was never sure. Then the temps went down, leading me to think I hadn't ovulated after all. I got my period on CD 20, however, so now I can look back over the cycle and see it in retrospect for patterns.

While it's good that I ovulated, this cycle will hopefully not be a new pattern because ovulating too early is just as bad if not worse then ovulating too late. The follicle was clearly too small when it burst. You can tell if it was too small when the LP (luteal phase) is too short (mine was only ten days when 14 days is healthier) and the temps never go high enough or go up so slowly that it's hard to know you even had an ovulation until it's all over. Not having enough progesterone, as happens when the follicle is too small, makes it very unlikely that pregnancy will occur, but, worse, if it does, miscarriage is far more likely then after a healthy ovulation. It isn't unusual for the miscarriage in these kind of cycles to happen so early that the woman doesn't even know for certain. Not cool.

On this note, my husband decided (with my full encouragement and support) that we weren't going to chart anymore for an indefinite amount of time. No more taking my temperature every morning and no more recording what kind of CM I had. I was originally worried that I would need to know if I was pregnant as soon as possible just in case it was ectopic again. I was scared for my life so I insisted on charting temps. Now that I can be less reactionary about it, there are some facts that reassure me and my husband. For one, we know my remaining tube is healthy. As long as I don't use clomid my chances of having another ectopic should be the normal 1-4%. Not only that, but not only pregnancy but particularly an ectopic pregnancy will have some major signs. Even though it was a sympathetic pregnancy I would have known I was pregnant eventually even without testing last time. If I start to get those major signs I can always take a test. Plus, even if it is ectopic, there is nothing we can do to prevent it and the intense pain would alert me very soon. I was in serious pain off-and-on for two weeks before the rupture. The pain started after two weeks of feeling obviously pregnant. So, as long as I'm aware of my body, I don't have to chart to catch a pregnancy, ectopic or not, right away. I would know soon enough for good care.

As for adoption, it's going to take time but my husband likes the idea. We need to save up some money first but we hope to get the ball rolling within the next 12 months. Of course, a lot can happen in a year!

unexpected s/e of grief

1. My scar still hurts, but mostly when I get upset. While the pain is real it's definitely grief-related.

2. I'm thinking about mortality a lot. It's creepy, but at least I'm channeling it. We analyzed our life insurance and I even made a budget should my husband die. In fact, I made two budgets, one for if we had kids and one for if he died before we had kids. We also talked about what kind of burial we'd want. I feel like, if God could take our child, He could certainly take my husband from me, too.

3. I went through a phase where I was scared to drive because I was convinced that someone would run into me and ruin my car. It wasn't even my life I was worried about, just having to replace my car. I went on-line car-shopping and everything. The good thing is it got me thinking about budgeting to someday replace my car and I'm hoping, if my current vehicle lasts many years more, that I can get a nice upgrade from always driving the cheapest model possible. Luckily that phase ended but I'm still a more-careful driver now. So I'm channeling that fear, too, in a positive way.

4. On the mortality vein, I'm restless and feeling very carpe-diem-like. This is not like me, but I feel like, "so what if I'm so careful?" Being super careful did not protect me last time. Life is short; live a little (or a lot)! I feel like I need a new job pronto, and it's time to start the awesome vacations. I want to go horseback-riding in Hawaii, snorkeling in Cancun, or hiking in Europe. While we can't afford much, my husband and I agreed to go on a cruise in April or so. We can't really afford it so soon, but, well, I don't care. It's not going to keep us from paying our mortgage or anything, just post-pone our home improvement projects a little. The only way I'll regret the expense is if my husband loses his job in the next several months but, well, it's too late then to bother with regrets and a vacation will be just what we need. We've been talking about taking a vacation for a long time, and we were going to put it off until next fall so we could save up for a year. The thing is, though, that now a whole year seems like an eternity. Now I know how much life can change in a year! Plus, I really do need a vacation, and soon.

5. Speaking of vacations, and getting away from it all, I've been keeping my distance from people who know me. I'm so much more likely to be reminded of our loss, especially by well-meaning older people. They have this way of saying, "how are you" with this super-kind expression on their face that just crumples me up inside. They mean well, and I know they are just acknowledging our loss, which should make me feel better. I wanted people to acknowledge our loss, right? It's just that it never fails to jolt me with the reminder just as I'm starting to loosen up and have fun, like at a wedding reception. They're just being nice but it makes going to these events much less enjoyable. There's a balance between acting like nothing happened and acknowledging it at the appropriate time. Even years from now I'll want it acknowledged, just not when I'm trying to relax and have fun.

6. More then just wanting to get away from people I know, I think sometimes that I want to get away from myself, that I don't like myself much. I think it's just depression but I get so tired and bummed some nights. I don't realize I'm feeling bad, though, until I lose my temper. It usually happens at some random time, like when doing chores or something. I'll get so upset, basically throw a tantrum. My husband is grieving, too, and we don't mix well at times like that. I do OK when I'm alone but being with other people, even my husband, is really hard sometimes. I hope this phase doesn't last long!

7. Part of the way I handle my grief is addictive behaviors. This is bad, but at least my addictions are pretty tame: chick lit from the library and candy. Neither is very edifying but they're cheap! I can't nap anymore as I hate sleep. I have the weirdest, most disturbing dreams now. I don't like just sitting still, either, or not having something to do, all the time. Stupid books and candy take the edge off. That and my constant internet-shopping, like shopping for cars or vacations. At least that shopping doesn't involve typing in my credit-card number! I really do alright just looking and making plans for when we can afford it. At least when I'm not at my most restless. OK, so vacations are a weakness but I'm alright with everything else.

8. As for my job, while I really like my boss and the pay and hours are really good, I think more and more of leaving it. Only the knowledge that this is likely a phase keeps me from calling in "sick" on a permanent basis. The thing is, it's none too bright to have accepted a job with so many babies surrounding me when infertile. What was I thinking? About the money, most-likely. When I get more energy I'm going to look into other jobs, just to keep an open mind. I have no idea what I would rather do but I need to consider looking. I don't need to love my part-time job or anything but I'm not doing the job as well as I want to. I'm just not cheerful there anymore.

9. I'm starting to feel differently about my infertility, too. I'm getting to the point where I can just about let it go. No, for real this time, or at least more deeply. I see pregnancy from a more balanced viewpoint. Maybe this is a phase, too, but I no longer feel the overwhelming desire to bear my genetic offspring. I no longer really even want pregnancy (although this, too, is likely a phase). Right now, pregnancy seems so incredibly exhausting and I really don't have it in me now. Keeping up with my daily life takes so much out of me.

But, more then that, I hate the roller-coaster of trying. This cycle is, I now know, annovulatory, and those are always challenging. At one point this past week I thought I might have ovulated and I got excited for about 15 minutes or so, daydreaming about what it would be like. That excitement used to last all day, but, this time, I came crashing back to earth before I even had breakfast. My innocence for this whole process is gone. This morning my temp went down again after over a week elevated and I was actually glad. I doubt I'll even look at the thermometer again this cycle unless my husband sees an interesting pattern and shows it to me. Looking back over this cycle so far I've hated the whole process. I hate looking at the thermometer each morning first-thing and my feelings about it coloring my whole day. I want to let that go. I'm giving a thermometer power over my day. This is insanity. Even more, I don't want the question of fertility popping into my mind when my husband and I are intimate. This whole process is too invasive for me now, even just using NFP. It used to be fun, but now it's torture.

10. Going beyond feelings about pregnancy, my feelings on motherhood are broadening, too. I'm thinking about adoption differently. It's going from a last-resort to a process that seems much more pleasant then trying to get pregnant. I know that adoption is likely to be quite a hassle, and definitely a roller-coaster of it's own. But I'm starting to think of motherhood as more of a part of our world then as something I want for myself. I wonder how I could use my infertility as part of our community then as something to be conquered. Could I embrace my infertility and move on with it instead of fighting it? I still want to parent but there is more to it then conceiving within my body.

Here is what I do know about adoption: I want to parent an infant, I don't want to foster but only to adopt, I want to adopt domestically, and I don't have a preference about the race. That is a change, too. I wondered, like anyone who considers adoption, if I could love a child who didn't look like me. Now I know I could, though, and that my husband could, too. After all, we love Joseph and we never even met him! We could absolutely love an infant that God places into our arms. Parenting is about care and discipline and so much more. I remember how invested I got into my students' lives back when I taught and I only saw them a short time each school-day. And we have such a wonderfully-diverse city that, no matter the race we adopted, our children could feel at-home if we share the opportunities available here. Money used to be a big deal, too, but I've started looking into adoption agencies that don't charge quite as much or who use a sliding-scale based on income. I think our families would help as they were able, too, and be accepting.

Of course, after my last post, I want to let my husband decide when and if we stop trying to get pregnant and if/when we start adoption. He needs to work this out for himself. It takes time to work these things out. We're in no hurry, though, whichever way we go.

date ideas

I'm trying to be creative and I wanted to write down some ideas I can use in the coming weeks and months.

walk in park
go to fun ice-cream place we both like
go out for cheesecake
movie
board games/puzzle
adoration plus coffee/dessert afterwards
bookstore plus coffee
shopping for something meaningful or fun
museum
breakfast at fun diner we like (from first date)
football/baseball game
outdoor festival/bazaar
beach/boardwalk

Anyone else got some ideas?

NFP and submission to the husband

Well, as it turns out, I really don't have to know where to go from here after all.

My husband and I met with our counselor and it was illuminating. BTW, if any of our friends IRL want his contact info just email and let me know. Anyway, we were talking about the attitude that goes with trying to get pregnant, how the procreative can consume the unitive part of the relationship.

A lot of thoughts and emotions came out, some of it surprising for both of us, but the main gist is that I've been making the family planning decisions for the past year+. Basically, when I said I wanted to let it happen he said OK, or when I said I wanted to do clomid he said OK, or when I wanted to use NFP to try to get pregnant he said OK. This is for several understandable reasons. For one, he's way more patient then I am. He never expressed a feeling that he wanted pregnancy to happen soon. I knew he wanted a big family someday but he never felt pressured for it to happen soon. Then, he had his job to stay busy and I was unemployed for the first year and only work PT now. I needed something meaningful to do with my life. Next, being childless does not affect a man socially as much as it affects a woman my age. Guys still talk about work whether they're dads or not but women tend to talk about child issues more and more.

Furthermore, I knew about my fertility problems years before I met him. I had already accepted it when we met whereas he may just now be accepting it. It takes time to grieve the fact that it will take us time and effort to get pregnant when other couples don't have to do that. It's so unfair that avoiding the issue is natural at first. I avoided it, too, but it was years before I met him and, by the time we got married, I was ready to jump into actively trying to get pregnant whereas he never had that time. In addition, my body has the fertility signs and the practice of NFP requires a woman to be constantly aware in a way the guy doesn't. The first thing I think about every day is my fertility when I read the thermometer and I'm aware of my CM all day.

What's more, we figured at first that the issue was with my body from the PCOS, and that was confirmed with several post-coital tests showed he has no fertility issues. He's never seen a doctor with me or for himself regarding this. He's never needed to take medicine so he didn't have the side effects as a daily reminder either. As if all those reasons weren't enough, there is our personalities. We are complete opposites (literally, according to our Myers-Briggs results) and he's so much more laid back and avoids conflict whereas I am a planner and will confront people and be stubborn. When you take all these many significant things into account, it makes total sense that I would make our family planning decisions and be in charge of the details of it.

The problem, though, is that this approach is not Biblically sound. God calls the man to be head of the household and for the wife to be submissive. I was not doing my part when I took over the family planning and he was not doing his part by agreeing to me each time I changed my mind. Obviously God doesn't call the man to be a dictator but my husband and I don't have to worry about that. My husband is a kind man and very loving. We discuss things and both of us have input. What I mean is that the husband has the final say. He takes responsibility and is ultimately accountable. He delegates the tasks. He is the leader, in a gentle, kind, and supportive way.

Look at any TTC message board and you see that is not the way it works in society when trying to get pregnant. The woman does the research and is in charge. She tells him when it's time to have sex and he complies, or she tells him when to go to the doctor for his examination by the urologist. By complying he is a part of it, but he doesn't take on the pressure of it. Some of the women on the boards complained that their husband was uncooperative but many indicated that their husband didn't take part in the decisions or were just along for the ride. Some even wondered if their partner even wanted a baby but they pushed forward anyway. Mostly, though, the partners weren't mentioned.

It took us over a year, and a loss, to see it, but that approach, of the woman being in charge of the family planning decisions, isn't helpful. The part of that year that was consumed by trying to get pregnant did not bring me closer to God. Instead it left me angry at God. It alienated me from my peers and left me lonely. When I got pregnant a part of me wondered if my husband wanted to have a baby now since I felt like I had pressured him into it (of course he did, but I still regretted how I went about it). It did not bring my husband and I together, and the unitive part of our communication was suffering.

I believe, however, that God gives the husband special graces as the head of the household, just as I believe God will give me special graces to be submissive. I believe that, as my husband takes over leadership in this area, that God will make family planning a fruitful part of our lives. That fruit may be children and it may not be. I told my husband that I give up this and put it in his hands (and God's, of course). He agreed to take on this burden. We'll discuss it, of course, but he'll make the final decision on whether or not we chart, and what we chart, and whether or not we try to get pregnant or just let it happen or try to prevent. He'll delegate who charts what. For now he's going to chart both my temps and even ask me about CM so he can write that down, too, although he may ask me to do one or the other later and that's fine with me. He'll decide when and if I see another doctor, like an endocrinologist, and if we do clomid treatment again.

He even agreed to come with me to the doctors when it's a fertility concern as I get confused and frustrated with it. I told him that, even if all he can do is wait in the lobby during my exam and talk to me in the car about it that still is better then me going alone and not being able to talk to him until that evening about how it went. By then I've forgotten stuff and it feels routine.

He's decided, with my agreement, that he wants us to try to get pregnant again. The difference was amazing. When I decided, in the past, to try to get pregnant it was such an anxious decision on my part and I second-guessed everything. God did not bless that decision in that I was so anxious. By bless it I don't refer to whether or not I got pregnant but that the constant and growing anxiety I felt, even after I did get pregnant, shows that the process was not well-ordered. We can see from our experience that God did not give me what I needed for that job of making the final decisions in this area. He gave me the ability to find some good strategies, and we did get pregnant, but the process, the journey, was not in line with God's will. It's humbling, but God did not equip me to be the leader of this. When my husband decided, however, that he wanted us to get pregnant I felt joyful, like we were partners. I felt like, OK, we can carry this burden. He decided that he wants to try because we both know now that it will likely happen sooner if we actively try then if we just let it happen. He just wants us to use NFP for now. He's going to keep an eye on the charts and, with his engineer mind, look for patterns. I'll keep drinking the vitex tea and walking every day to see if that helps.

I'm not saying there won't be anxiety, of course. I'm just saying that God will probably bless this process if my husband is takes over and I let him be in charge. I believe that this process can bring us closer to Him and to each other if it is well-ordered. Proponents of NFP say that it brings couples closer together. When we got married I thought that, if we were using it to try to get pregnant, that it would, therefore, bring us closer together. It didn't, however. We bickered and I felt more and more alienated from the Church and from God. I believe that NFP will only bring couples closer to God if it is a true partnership and if the husband is in charge. I'm not saying he has to chart but it has to be not only something he's OK with but, more, that it's his decision to chart (whether the wife puts the pen to paper or he does). He needs to be aware of where his wife is in her cycle. It even affects when and who initiates intercourse. I'm not saying the husband always has to initiate but he should initiate at least once during the fertile time and the wife should let him initiate at least once when they both know they are fertile. The wife needs to know that the husband absolutely wants this and is taking responsibility.

Also, when I say that God will probably bless this process I'm not saying He will bless it with a healthy baby. He may and He may not. He opens and closes the womb and it's our job to follow His will for our marriage. We can decide if we want to try to get pregnant or to prevent and He will bless that decision with peace and joy if we go about that decision-making process in His way, not society's way.

Also, we came up with a fun plan to further build up the unitive part of our relationship. We're going to have date nights. Not that we didn't have them before, but we had gotten into a routine. Part of the issue was that, when we first got married, we had such a tight budget. Then, after he lost his job, it got even worse. Add to that the fact that we're living on his income it wasn't as romantic for him to get me flowers, for example, when it came out of our budget. Once I started clomid, then got pregnant, romance went out the window for both of us. It just wasn't a priority anymore. All I could think about was pregnancy and I didn't even think to ask him for flowers. Our date nights were nice, as we got a video and had pizza and ice cream, and he would give me a foot rub or back rub, but it wasn't romantic anymore. Some otherwise entertaining movies don't foster the date night atmosphere, like funny cartoons or action movies. Mostly, though, it got to the point where sitting on the couch watching a movie just wasn't special anymore. Nice, absolutely, but it didn't bring us closer together or foster a feeling of intimacy.

Now, though, we've set aside part of the budget specifically for dates. This is a luxury but, as one category of the budget wasn't getting fully used, we can afford it for now. What we're going to try is taking turns planning the date each week. Each Sunday the person in charge of the date for the week ahead will give the spouse a little invitation, something simple with the time and a place for the date. It's on actual stationary, too, not email, as that just seems more special. Each of us has a set amount we can spend on our designated weeks for the month. If I want to plan something expensive for my first week I have to come up with something free or inexpensive for my remaining weeks.

Planning the date is just part of the challenge. We also agreed to some other "rules" as well. Yes, this is like a game, but every game worth playing is challenging and has rules but the payoff for this, a stronger marriage, is worthy indeed. For one, on the invitation, the person needs to make a request of the other. For example, my husband expressed that he would like more backrubs from me. So he could put as his request one week for me to give him a backrub during the date. I love getting little gifts, so I could request flowers or candy or for him to bring home dinner or a romantic movie. Then, the person who planned the date writes what they will do for the other person to look forward to. He could write that he's buying the movie tickets, or making reservations, or bringing me a gift. Or I could write that it's a surprise, but the point is we each know what we'll be doing for the other as a gift on the date. The gifts are also factored into the budget, so, if I request flowers, I need to plan a less expensive date.

Furthermore, we're going to try to be creative. We're going to try to have a unique activity each week of the month. For example, if he plans a movie I can't plan a movie until the next month. Also, we're going to try to avoid going out to dinner as a date night. The reason is because, for one thing, it would kill the date budget for the month. Also, most restaurants are not romantic since they're too noisy to be conducive to meaningful conversation. Not to mention the fact that eating out is often more for convenience as the counselor pointed out.

This date idea may not work, and likely it will get modified, but it's a start. The point is that it gets us to think about what we want from our spouse, what we want to do for our spouse, and it gives us a special time to look forward to. I already look forward to my husband's invitation for next week and to planning this week's date.

It's kinda funny but yet very appropriate that this post comes just days after I decided to just let it happen. It's not just my decision anymore:-)